If all goes well, by the time you read this I will have turned in all the marking (grading) I had to do this term. It has been weighing on me dreadfully. I have felt, this week, afraid and ashamed a lot, in need of more than usual succour and support — but too afraid and ashamed to ask for help with my fear and shame. It’s a cycle, and naming it is like naming a demon in stories: it helps control it.
In that spirit (as it were) I want to ask: are you afraid? Right now, are you afraid of something that you know is in your control, but doesn’t feel like it?
I wasn’t thinking of it when I started this, but I just reminded myself of this song from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, in which Rachel confronts “the darkness” in her and names it… Tyler. If you want to share that you’re afraid but don’t want to talk about why, I invite you to give a name to your fear as mundane or fanciful as you feel, and let us join in telling you why your own personal Tyler is an absolute jerk who doesn’t deserve you, whom you can ditch as easily as throwing a pinch of salt over your left shoulder.
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I am terribly afraid to see my family next week. They are actively mean to me, but some part of me desperately wants them to at least like me (acceptance and love are too far gone I think). I've agree to spend one night in their home next weekend, but I'm already afraid that it'll just be bad again.
I used to feel a lot of fear about things that I couldn't control. Some of that was by design because I was in an abusive relationship. Getting out from under that and working toward goals I'm passionate about has done a lot to get rid of the fear. I'm finishing a long-delayed degree (and kicking its ass while I'm at it) and pursuing a career in publishing. I've got support and people who are rooting for me where I used to be cut off from the world. Even if I'm starting over from rock bottom, I feel so much happier than when I was in a "better" position.