If all goes well, by the time you read this I will have turned in all the marking (grading) I had to do this term. It has been weighing on me dreadfully. I have felt, this week, afraid and ashamed a lot, in need of more than usual succour and support — but too afraid and ashamed to ask for help with my fear and shame. It’s a cycle, and naming it is like naming a demon in stories: it helps control it.
I am so terribly afraid, and all I can do about it is to keep telling people how much I love them, how much they are seen and valued, how much they are needed. (Regardless of the state of the marking.)
I am terribly afraid to see my family next week. They are actively mean to me, but some part of me desperately wants them to at least like me (acceptance and love are too far gone I think). I've agree to spend one night in their home next weekend, but I'm already afraid that it'll just be bad again.
I have been dealing with a lot of fear over the past month, since being diagnosed with Type1 Diabetes. I keep telling people about it, in part to try to normalize it. It won't make it go away, but it was sudden, unexpected, and utterly life altering. And I can see, strangely, how it leads to shame. I even wrote a bigger comment here, and deleted it. But -- the fear of how my condition may change is starting to even out a bit, as everything else evens out. I don't know if I could call my fear Dolores and be done with it, but I will admit it's hard to be really upset by anything named Bernard....
I used to feel a lot of fear about things that I couldn't control. Some of that was by design because I was in an abusive relationship. Getting out from under that and working toward goals I'm passionate about has done a lot to get rid of the fear. I'm finishing a long-delayed degree (and kicking its ass while I'm at it) and pursuing a career in publishing. I've got support and people who are rooting for me where I used to be cut off from the world. Even if I'm starting over from rock bottom, I feel so much happier than when I was in a "better" position.
I'm afraid of many things, most of which feel outside of my control, even though that is not so. Mostly, I'm afraid of not being able to let go, of being mired in crises not of my own making. I love to help, but then helping gets overwhelming and I just want to run away :/
I'm always afraid, but Christmas is always a little harder. I love Angie's family with all my heart, but spending Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with them is also a reminder this will be my fourth straight holiday season without seeing a single blood relative. Mom and Dad are gone and my brother's 2,500 miles away. I'm just afraid it will all overwhelm me.
I'm afraid of my PTSD and how much worse it has become the past few months. I spend more and more time untethered from the present and wracked with hurt when I'm here.
I am so terribly afraid, and all I can do about it is to keep telling people how much I love them, how much they are seen and valued, how much they are needed. (Regardless of the state of the marking.)
I am terribly afraid to see my family next week. They are actively mean to me, but some part of me desperately wants them to at least like me (acceptance and love are too far gone I think). I've agree to spend one night in their home next weekend, but I'm already afraid that it'll just be bad again.
I have been dealing with a lot of fear over the past month, since being diagnosed with Type1 Diabetes. I keep telling people about it, in part to try to normalize it. It won't make it go away, but it was sudden, unexpected, and utterly life altering. And I can see, strangely, how it leads to shame. I even wrote a bigger comment here, and deleted it. But -- the fear of how my condition may change is starting to even out a bit, as everything else evens out. I don't know if I could call my fear Dolores and be done with it, but I will admit it's hard to be really upset by anything named Bernard....
I used to feel a lot of fear about things that I couldn't control. Some of that was by design because I was in an abusive relationship. Getting out from under that and working toward goals I'm passionate about has done a lot to get rid of the fear. I'm finishing a long-delayed degree (and kicking its ass while I'm at it) and pursuing a career in publishing. I've got support and people who are rooting for me where I used to be cut off from the world. Even if I'm starting over from rock bottom, I feel so much happier than when I was in a "better" position.
I'm afraid of many things, most of which feel outside of my control, even though that is not so. Mostly, I'm afraid of not being able to let go, of being mired in crises not of my own making. I love to help, but then helping gets overwhelming and I just want to run away :/
I’m afraid my health won’t get better. It’s been an unusually rough five months. My body is acting like a complete asshole.
I'm always afraid, but Christmas is always a little harder. I love Angie's family with all my heart, but spending Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with them is also a reminder this will be my fourth straight holiday season without seeing a single blood relative. Mom and Dad are gone and my brother's 2,500 miles away. I'm just afraid it will all overwhelm me.
I'm afraid of my PTSD and how much worse it has become the past few months. I spend more and more time untethered from the present and wracked with hurt when I'm here.