It’s Valentine’s Day, and I am alone at home. My husband’s been abroad for several weeks, and circumstances have led to him staying abroad longer than expected.
I feel like Valentine’s Day in this age of accelerating internet has become a time for people to publicly and sometimes painfully hash out their feelings about it — whether it is a net good or bad, whether it sufficiently recognizes non-sexual or non-romantic loves, whether its historical roots are of enough interest to redeem the toxic capitalism around it.
So I’d like to side-step that a bit and just ask — what are your love languages*? How do you find yourself expressing affection, and how do you best like to receive it?
*I had no idea this concept came from a 1992 book by Gary Chapman until I googled just now — I encountered it as a generalized thing in the days of LiveJournal, probably as the result of a quiz, & filed it in the same sort of systemized personality formation as Harry Potter House sorting and astrology. Weirdly the seeming-anonymity of the ideas lent them more power, & while I will probably never read this book, I deeply value the idea of loving as language we need to teach each other, within which we stumble over syntax, vocabulary, idiom in our efforts to grow closer, to be understood.
For myself, I think the things that make me feel most loved, probably because I never feel I can ask for them, are acts of service. A great deal of my life feels oriented towards looking after the emotional needs of others, and any time someone just up and does something for me without being asked -- especially in the realm of domestic chores -- I just about fall over with gratitude. (A quiz informed me it was Quality Time, which was baffling to me, because I thought I'd chosen against that option whenever it came up. I value this a great deal, but so many of my deep emotional connections are to far-flung people, which makes QT wonderful when it can happen but also not super practical)
The things that come most naturally to me in terms of expressing love, though, are words of affirmation and gifts -- trying to find the truest expression of my love for someone in words and in the care it takes to pay attention to their needs and desires and make or find an object of it. To align my feelings with words and the material realities of the universe.
I am so sorry that your husband has been abroad longer than expected. I wish for his speedy return home.
Re: love language
Since a lot of my relationships involve "distance" of some sort, my love language is "being responded to". When I put writing out into the world, either directly to someone via a text, or as a broadcast on social media, and someone takes the time to write a reply...it warms my soul.
It is the equivalent of saying, "I see you in the midst of this chaos. Here is my letter back."
I think this is the power of emoji reactions. Sometimes we lack the bandwidth or emotional presence to write a meaningful reply, but we can still send a little dopamine blip to someone. ("I see you, and I read what you wrote.")
I know there have been a lot of lists of love languages over the decades - I came to LJ from USENET and IRC in a different century - but using the original list, I have words of affirmation as a primary and gifts as a secondary. I try to be as supportive with words as much as I can, especially since I don't see people very often. The gifts are the reason for my Patreon habit - I really need another job just to be able to support the people I want to help.
For most of my adult life, I would have had physical touch on the top of both my giving and receiving lists, but in the last few years I've started to understand it isn't the best love language for me - it is just the only one I believed in. Even as I'm typing this, I'm arguing with myself about if I can truly believe in love received in any other way. I
(At this point the narrative was interrupted for an hour while the writer had an hour-long discussion with his wife that included a breakthrough and a possible plan of action.)
Um, for giving, it is affirmation and gifts. Receiving is apparently a much more complicated issue than I realized an hour ago.
I have to agree with the person above who highlighted telling folk about things I think will bring them joy. So often, when I make a tumblr or dw post, I'm quietly directing it towards a particular person--sometimes through tagging etc. but sometimes just knowing that they're likely to see it--and it's always so gratifying to see it land with them.
A lot of my nearest and dearest are writers, either of longform fanfic or original stuff. So one of my greatest love languages is feedback: taking the time to write tens of thousands of words on a novella, sending it via E-mail, just knowing it'll be a little pocket of warm comfort: you did a beautiful thing, that I think is so magnificent I'll take the time to lavish it with praise, pick out my favorite lines. Not to share with the public, though sometimes I do that, too; just with whatever person is the writer, in a long ongoing letter I especially try and make installments of when I know life is especially rocky.
Cooking, making tea, and listening are parts of my love language that I get to engage in regularly. After 20 years with the SO, some things that were parts of my love language have atrophied. I love giving little surprises, but the SO HATES surprises, so it's much less of a thing for me now. Part of my love language is telling people I love about media I love and that's something I get to do more with friends because I may (okay, definitely) have overdone it with the SO in the early years, and now she's likelier to watch or read a thing if she hears about it randomly.
What a great question! Love languages for me are books, trips, coziness, and flowers -- both on the expressing and on the receiving end. Reading by a fire is one of the most romantic things for me, as is getting or giving a surprise bouquet. I am blessed to be with a partner who thoroughly enjoys three out of these four things, and happily tolerates the fourth :)
I really like that Gary Chapman book. I read it years ago and realized that while my husband's love language is touch-based, OCD makes that non-intuitive for me. I had to intentionally start adding touch to my repertoire... simple things like resting my hand on his arm or rifling his hair. It definitely changed our relationship for the better. Me? I like acts of service. He randomly started driving our 10yo to school, taking a host of morning tasks off my plate, and I was smitten. ❤️
I hope he'll be able to come home to you soon. As for love languages, at the moment my primary one might be cooking. Food is definitely love. For other things, remembering people's reactions to an early version of a story and where possible changing it so that they can have more of what they liked. Most of these reactions don't ask for a change, just express wistfulness, mostly of the type "I really loved that but it was over so quickly." Sometimes one can't do this, but often, one can. I also like doing other things because my beloveds like me to accompany them. I am not sure that I would ever see a movie or watch a TV show unless somebody else wanted my company while doing it. I enjoy them a lot, but they don't speak my primary language and the effort necessary is often a barrier. I also read things because people want to talk to me about them, but reading is a natural activity for me, while viewing is not. P.
I am actually using the workplace appreciation book by Chapman as a reference for some library classes I am doing this spring! It is based around the same language types.
I hope you're not blue that your husband is away for the holiday and that you can go out and have drinks and a nice meal with friends. I took the quiz I found online and I'm Quality Time, which definitely suits me well. I don't need gifts but do appreciate a warm hug or someone trying to understand how I feel. So now I can declare (in spite of my wariness of JK Rowling, sadly) that I'm a Quality Time Ravenclaw. It almost sounds like something that could be trademarked. 🤔
I, too, would love to hear what love languages you enjoy?
For myself, I think the things that make me feel most loved, probably because I never feel I can ask for them, are acts of service. A great deal of my life feels oriented towards looking after the emotional needs of others, and any time someone just up and does something for me without being asked -- especially in the realm of domestic chores -- I just about fall over with gratitude. (A quiz informed me it was Quality Time, which was baffling to me, because I thought I'd chosen against that option whenever it came up. I value this a great deal, but so many of my deep emotional connections are to far-flung people, which makes QT wonderful when it can happen but also not super practical)
The things that come most naturally to me in terms of expressing love, though, are words of affirmation and gifts -- trying to find the truest expression of my love for someone in words and in the care it takes to pay attention to their needs and desires and make or find an object of it. To align my feelings with words and the material realities of the universe.
Please share your love languages, also! =)
I am so sorry that your husband has been abroad longer than expected. I wish for his speedy return home.
Re: love language
Since a lot of my relationships involve "distance" of some sort, my love language is "being responded to". When I put writing out into the world, either directly to someone via a text, or as a broadcast on social media, and someone takes the time to write a reply...it warms my soul.
It is the equivalent of saying, "I see you in the midst of this chaos. Here is my letter back."
I think this is the power of emoji reactions. Sometimes we lack the bandwidth or emotional presence to write a meaningful reply, but we can still send a little dopamine blip to someone. ("I see you, and I read what you wrote.")
I know there have been a lot of lists of love languages over the decades - I came to LJ from USENET and IRC in a different century - but using the original list, I have words of affirmation as a primary and gifts as a secondary. I try to be as supportive with words as much as I can, especially since I don't see people very often. The gifts are the reason for my Patreon habit - I really need another job just to be able to support the people I want to help.
For most of my adult life, I would have had physical touch on the top of both my giving and receiving lists, but in the last few years I've started to understand it isn't the best love language for me - it is just the only one I believed in. Even as I'm typing this, I'm arguing with myself about if I can truly believe in love received in any other way. I
(At this point the narrative was interrupted for an hour while the writer had an hour-long discussion with his wife that included a breakthrough and a possible plan of action.)
Um, for giving, it is affirmation and gifts. Receiving is apparently a much more complicated issue than I realized an hour ago.
I have to agree with the person above who highlighted telling folk about things I think will bring them joy. So often, when I make a tumblr or dw post, I'm quietly directing it towards a particular person--sometimes through tagging etc. but sometimes just knowing that they're likely to see it--and it's always so gratifying to see it land with them.
A lot of my nearest and dearest are writers, either of longform fanfic or original stuff. So one of my greatest love languages is feedback: taking the time to write tens of thousands of words on a novella, sending it via E-mail, just knowing it'll be a little pocket of warm comfort: you did a beautiful thing, that I think is so magnificent I'll take the time to lavish it with praise, pick out my favorite lines. Not to share with the public, though sometimes I do that, too; just with whatever person is the writer, in a long ongoing letter I especially try and make installments of when I know life is especially rocky.
Cooking, making tea, and listening are parts of my love language that I get to engage in regularly. After 20 years with the SO, some things that were parts of my love language have atrophied. I love giving little surprises, but the SO HATES surprises, so it's much less of a thing for me now. Part of my love language is telling people I love about media I love and that's something I get to do more with friends because I may (okay, definitely) have overdone it with the SO in the early years, and now she's likelier to watch or read a thing if she hears about it randomly.
What a great question! Love languages for me are books, trips, coziness, and flowers -- both on the expressing and on the receiving end. Reading by a fire is one of the most romantic things for me, as is getting or giving a surprise bouquet. I am blessed to be with a partner who thoroughly enjoys three out of these four things, and happily tolerates the fourth :)
Hope your husband comes back soon!
I really like that Gary Chapman book. I read it years ago and realized that while my husband's love language is touch-based, OCD makes that non-intuitive for me. I had to intentionally start adding touch to my repertoire... simple things like resting my hand on his arm or rifling his hair. It definitely changed our relationship for the better. Me? I like acts of service. He randomly started driving our 10yo to school, taking a host of morning tasks off my plate, and I was smitten. ❤️
I hope he'll be able to come home to you soon. As for love languages, at the moment my primary one might be cooking. Food is definitely love. For other things, remembering people's reactions to an early version of a story and where possible changing it so that they can have more of what they liked. Most of these reactions don't ask for a change, just express wistfulness, mostly of the type "I really loved that but it was over so quickly." Sometimes one can't do this, but often, one can. I also like doing other things because my beloveds like me to accompany them. I am not sure that I would ever see a movie or watch a TV show unless somebody else wanted my company while doing it. I enjoy them a lot, but they don't speak my primary language and the effort necessary is often a barrier. I also read things because people want to talk to me about them, but reading is a natural activity for me, while viewing is not. P.
Touch, trips, time together, talking & tweeting tenderness...
I also like giving and receiving gifts, especially if they are random.
I read Honey Month recently and, wow, some of that romantic (and sexy!) poetry--! I`ll have to read those poems to a future beau.
How do you feel about writing love poems TO someone explicit?
I am actually using the workplace appreciation book by Chapman as a reference for some library classes I am doing this spring! It is based around the same language types.
Props for teaching me something new. I had no idea either.
I hope you're not blue that your husband is away for the holiday and that you can go out and have drinks and a nice meal with friends. I took the quiz I found online and I'm Quality Time, which definitely suits me well. I don't need gifts but do appreciate a warm hug or someone trying to understand how I feel. So now I can declare (in spite of my wariness of JK Rowling, sadly) that I'm a Quality Time Ravenclaw. It almost sounds like something that could be trademarked. 🤔
I, too, would love to hear what love languages you enjoy?