For weeks I’ve been labouring over a Big Important Job Application (for “labouring” read “unproductively stressing”), but today — with the help of numerous friends, mentors, colleagues, cheerleaders — I sent it off.
It was 80 pages long.
It’s hard to say what I’m feeling. It’s not quite relief — relief was what I felt when I finished drafting key materials for it yesterday. Today, the word I keep circling is “release” — something I’ve been thinking about from several facets lately (one of which is, er, blaseball). The difference between relief and release, somatically, qualitatively; they overlap, but “release” implies, on some level, capture, constraint. I’m not totally read to delve into that in a non-blaseball context (more on which SOON, I promise), but all this to say: I finished something that had been intimidating and upsetting me, and I feel released from it — and like I’ve released something, too.
Have you felt release, recently? What have you let go, or what has let go of you?
There is, of course, a more positive connotation to release: when something long-awaited has been made available. Like, for instance, a recording of the wonderful conversation Arkady Martine and I got to have together yesterday, under the auspices of the Brooklyn Book Festival and NYU’s 370 Jay Project and NYU Skirball! (It fades out just before I thank them, but I did thank them! And all of you who joined!)
It’s just under 1 hour long, and you can skip past the first 3 minutes or so while I flail about, discover my microphone’s unplugged, and try to summon up the dregs of my exhausted post-job-app personhood to be a worthy conversational partner to someone I admire so deeply.
A few years ago at a family dinner, I was agonizing about my lifelong failure to release an album of music, and my sister-in-law said a Wise Thing: that the thing about _releasing_ an album was that it meant _setting it free_, so that it was no longer mine to worry about.
Before that, "release" had always been something stressful, like a job interview that measured the weight of my soul. Since then … well, tbh I haven't had very much creative energy these past few years, but when something's been ready to release, I've always been able to share it.
I cannot conceive of what job requires an 80 page application ... even snooty academic ones. (But perhaps the snoots have pushed the page limits these days, damn them.) But your point about release is an apt one -- often that is how I feel when a major grant deadline is over and the project has been submitted: it's gone, for the time being, and there is no point in actively worrying over it, and the stress that one carries while crafting has no point. It is set free. It's a massive outflow of energy, that sometimes leaves me feeling "what was the point of all that...?" Much like my PhD defense: I was released, not relieved. After such periods, I often fall ill -- the body catching up to process everything I had been carrying.
Sadly, I have not felt such release recently. I hope for it in 2021 -- 2020 has been one burden on top of another, to the point of breakdown.
Whoa, 80 pages? That's an awful lot for a job application. I guess it's academic?
This is so small compared to the sending off of an 80-page application, but I have felt release in forgiving myself from having to hang onto a number of old possessions. Lightening one's material load feels good.
80 pages! Must be an academic job?! So happy it's done and you feel relief and release! Big cheers for having endured it (and I'm sure for having done it more fabulously than you feel you did.) This sounds like me applying for the UK visa several years ago (granted, for nothing as important as a job, but just an insignificant tourist visit to attend a friend's wedding... so def. not at all stressful at that level.) >300 pages and 800 Euros later... I did get a 2-year, multiple-entry visa. Hurray! (300 pages because not only I had to prove, yes, I have a job in the USA so I'm not trying to illegally find work in the UK, but also, yes, I have a home in the US, and here's the offering plan and deed! Crazy amount of application materials.) I don't remember how I felt after the interview (oh, yes, face-to-face interview, too...) Anger, most likely. No relief or release there. (Uhm, so this is entirely the wrong answer to the question you asked... Sorry, Saturday blur...) BUT OMG my whole weekend is made with the video you sent!!!! I was so bummed I missed you and Arkady, even considered skipping my writing workshop (which was at the same exact time) but didn't, as we were workshopping two other writers' pages and it would have been very unethical of me to skip that. AND my best friend (my bookworm soul mate) in Istanbul who is a huuuuge fan of you both tried, but failed to stay up until 4AM to see you live, and she was so bummed. I'll pass on the link and she's going to be VERY happy :) So THANK YOU :) (excuse all the capital letters... I'm not shouting. I'm overjoyed! Spent all morning calling plumbers; you don't want to know. So when I say this made my weekend, I mean it :) )
Congrats Amal!!! Best of luck on the application! <3 <3 <3
Coincidentally, I also have had a feeling of release yesterday. A giant grant application is not done, but a lot of big hurdles -- the ones that have to do with people figuring out how to work together -- have been cleared. I have a three day weekend coming up. And I am writing, writing, writing (mostly early stuff but creative process nevertheless). The game I've been working on, a new one shot, and a whole new campaign besides. Writing is work of course, but sometimes when I've been stuck and suddenly ideas are pouring forth, it feels like a release.
I celebrated by ordering junk food, having a glass of nice Scotch, and starting this season's Bake Off. I wish for you a celebration of release, and a lovely weekend!
Yay you and Arkady! I have now read A Memory Called Empire and loved every minute of it. I wish I could meet them some day :)
Friday Open Thread (with Release)
Sending hugs Amal.
I'm still in that haze so haven't found "release" yet, as I'm mired with day jobbery.
Here for you.
80 fucking pages??!!!! Sounds like an actual fucking job!!!
Good luck with this, Amal; they'll be lucky to have you. And your latest NYTimes Book Review was just superb, by me.
Had hella week. Wrote unexpected poem tonight. Still mostly too tired to stand. That probably counts?
A few years ago at a family dinner, I was agonizing about my lifelong failure to release an album of music, and my sister-in-law said a Wise Thing: that the thing about _releasing_ an album was that it meant _setting it free_, so that it was no longer mine to worry about.
Before that, "release" had always been something stressful, like a job interview that measured the weight of my soul. Since then … well, tbh I haven't had very much creative energy these past few years, but when something's been ready to release, I've always been able to share it.
I cannot conceive of what job requires an 80 page application ... even snooty academic ones. (But perhaps the snoots have pushed the page limits these days, damn them.) But your point about release is an apt one -- often that is how I feel when a major grant deadline is over and the project has been submitted: it's gone, for the time being, and there is no point in actively worrying over it, and the stress that one carries while crafting has no point. It is set free. It's a massive outflow of energy, that sometimes leaves me feeling "what was the point of all that...?" Much like my PhD defense: I was released, not relieved. After such periods, I often fall ill -- the body catching up to process everything I had been carrying.
Sadly, I have not felt such release recently. I hope for it in 2021 -- 2020 has been one burden on top of another, to the point of breakdown.
Whoa, 80 pages? That's an awful lot for a job application. I guess it's academic?
This is so small compared to the sending off of an 80-page application, but I have felt release in forgiving myself from having to hang onto a number of old possessions. Lightening one's material load feels good.
80 pages! Must be an academic job?! So happy it's done and you feel relief and release! Big cheers for having endured it (and I'm sure for having done it more fabulously than you feel you did.) This sounds like me applying for the UK visa several years ago (granted, for nothing as important as a job, but just an insignificant tourist visit to attend a friend's wedding... so def. not at all stressful at that level.) >300 pages and 800 Euros later... I did get a 2-year, multiple-entry visa. Hurray! (300 pages because not only I had to prove, yes, I have a job in the USA so I'm not trying to illegally find work in the UK, but also, yes, I have a home in the US, and here's the offering plan and deed! Crazy amount of application materials.) I don't remember how I felt after the interview (oh, yes, face-to-face interview, too...) Anger, most likely. No relief or release there. (Uhm, so this is entirely the wrong answer to the question you asked... Sorry, Saturday blur...) BUT OMG my whole weekend is made with the video you sent!!!! I was so bummed I missed you and Arkady, even considered skipping my writing workshop (which was at the same exact time) but didn't, as we were workshopping two other writers' pages and it would have been very unethical of me to skip that. AND my best friend (my bookworm soul mate) in Istanbul who is a huuuuge fan of you both tried, but failed to stay up until 4AM to see you live, and she was so bummed. I'll pass on the link and she's going to be VERY happy :) So THANK YOU :) (excuse all the capital letters... I'm not shouting. I'm overjoyed! Spent all morning calling plumbers; you don't want to know. So when I say this made my weekend, I mean it :) )
Congrats Amal!!! Best of luck on the application! <3 <3 <3
Coincidentally, I also have had a feeling of release yesterday. A giant grant application is not done, but a lot of big hurdles -- the ones that have to do with people figuring out how to work together -- have been cleared. I have a three day weekend coming up. And I am writing, writing, writing (mostly early stuff but creative process nevertheless). The game I've been working on, a new one shot, and a whole new campaign besides. Writing is work of course, but sometimes when I've been stuck and suddenly ideas are pouring forth, it feels like a release.
I celebrated by ordering junk food, having a glass of nice Scotch, and starting this season's Bake Off. I wish for you a celebration of release, and a lovely weekend!
Yay you and Arkady! I have now read A Memory Called Empire and loved every minute of it. I wish I could meet them some day :)
Yay you!! That's a massive amount of work. Well done. xo